Losing Fear By Finding Yourself

Yesterday, I stood looking up a vertical rock face, and took a large gulp. There was just no way that I was going to be able to shimmy my way up there, even though I had the professional and highly trained standing alongside me to direct my moves and stop me falling. It was just. too. plain. scary. For a fleeting moment I wanted to run away, pretend I suddenly had a very important phone call to make (no phone signal), or just jump into the nearby stream (not ideal, very chilly). But then, as I tightened my harness, I realised that, this was just fear. My fear. And that fear, was just in me.

So the only one who was going to be able to deal with it - was myself.

With every movement, every new hand grip and pull up, I felt stronger. A sense I could do this, that I wasn’t going to give up, even if I only made it six inches off the ground. I didn’t reach the very top this time, but I went further than I thought I could go, and the feeling of conquering that fear felt twice as high as the rock face in front of me. Since then, I have felt that fear doesn’t have to be the thing that constricts us in life – because if it does, if we let it, we end up not doing what we want to do, only because of ourselves. Whatever challenge is ahead of you, the feeling you will experience of not facing it, is far worse than however little progress you do make, or however much you do fail. In some ways, fear is the negative side of our personality telling us we just can’t do it, when our real inner selves is the one that says “I’m going to darn well see if you're right for myself”. The problem with the negative side of us, is that it is also
the
naïve part too. It is making a blind assertion, and only if we actually face our fears, will we ever know.

Whatever is ahead of you, and whatever you are afraid of – don’t be. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t a champion, but it does matter if you never get to really see what exciting things are awaiting you in life, because you didn’t take a chance. Know you can, you are, and you will be fearless.

Milly

Steubenville: another step too far

It's becoming a little too familiar, happening too often. It's too much that sex is turned on its head and used as a brutal attack, but it is truly disconcerting when the media's attention and sympathy is turned to the attacker, not the victim. 

The distorted accounts of the Steubenville rape case are difficult to watch- CNN's report in particular seems confused when it talks of the shining futures Trent Mays and Ma'lik Richmond had in front of them, but were brutally dashed because of one drunken mistake: thinking that there was nothing wrong with systematically raping a vulnerable young woman, with onlookers recording their crime and cheering them on. It's more than unacceptable that such things happen at all, but it's much, much worse when we're told that we ought to feel sorry for the young, naive, testosterone fuelled attackers. 

As per the usual response to most news items, the world has taken to social media, with many slamming 'Jane Doe' on twitter, and other networks I'm sure. According to popular opinion, the two young men did what 'most guys would', and their victim was 'asking for it' because she was drunk. It's bad enough that insults such as 'whore' are commonplace, but when did it become acceptable to call a rape victim, a 'lil sl*t'?

I have two objections to such retorts. Firstly, 'most guys' would not attack a woman, and such statements do little more than sully the reputation of good, well thinking men who are as much a part of the fight against rape as any woman. Secondly, no one (man nor woman) should have to be put to blame because they were the victim, because they were attacked. To think that donning a short skirt, enjoying a couple of drinks, or being friendly to anyone with a Y chromosome can be seen as an open invitation is ludicrous because it hinges on the assumption that people acting on natural human impulses serves as a valid excuse for attackers to cross the line and take advantage. 

When we live in a world where it's common for people to say things such as 'it depends on your definition of rape', we can see that we're long overdue for a monumental overhaul in the way in which we view and deal with acts of sexual assault. Given that one in three women will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, one can't help but wonder how/why on earth such attitudes persist. Why is it that it's difficult for people to take this seriously, and clearly distinguish between the victim and their attacker? Behind the headlines which offer sympathy to her attackers, another young woman has been left scarred and humiliated, yet she remains anonymous, and with people attacking her 'loose' behaviour. No one, man nor woman, should have to face that.

Shall I tell you something? From the second I started drafting this piece, I kept thinking, 'Devi, you're beginning to sound like a broken record. All you do is hark on about feminism.' But, like those well-established writers who are far more eloquent than myself, I write about feminism because there's a myriad of issues we really need to sort out, and in most cases, I wonder why they are issues in the first place. After all, everything I've said here has been said before; we know all this already, surely?. Here's an easy question: we all know that no means no, right? 

Unfortunately, no, and this is why we should keep challenging the unpardonable behaviour of our fellow human beings, and at least try to create a culture in which even an 'innocent' grope will be seen as inappropriate and insulting, rather than a compliment, and no victim will be put to blame and branded with a scarlet letter. I know that I'm an idealist, but I refuse to believe that this is too much to ask for. 

Miss D

Pause, rewind. Before the fast forward.

I find living in London, that life is often so busy it is hard to just sit and take stock of things. I find myself catapulting from one thing to the next without a lot of time to contemplate what is really going on. On the one hand this means that life is being fully lived and there isn’t a lot of time to get too engrossed in the trivial. However, arguably, not spending thinking time getting engrossed in anything, is arguably missing the point altogether.

Therefore, take a bit of time to be just a little bit selfish. Or a lot selfish. This is to step back, and be focusing on you. Now, I am not advocating you say “I’m spending the inheritance!!”and go and fork out on a Caribbean cruise for one, but I am suggesting that you do the things you enjoy when it is just you. That’s right. On your own. What do you love doing? Some read in cafes. Others sketch in parks. Some fully bury their earphones under their beanies and tune out while they tune in. Now, you might think I am telling you to just go and enjoy yourself in an egotistical way, and to which your response would inevitably be “well, duh, of course I am going to do what I enjoy in my free time”. But, when, really, were you actually by yourself, giving your person some much valued space? The problem is, we often think that our ‘time out’ always involves others, is always action packed and always busy. But, as outrageous as it might be to say – I think we need some time away occasionally to just exist. To think. To access whatever is above, and beyond. To wonder what on earth we are doing. To re-evaluate WHY we are doing what we are doing.

After all, we don’t get into the elevator without a little contemplation of what we will do when we reach our chosen floor.  So this new year- go and just be you.  Take a walk. Eat in a sushi bar alone.  Get your hair done. Plan a train journey. Re-assess. Make some decisions, break some bad ones. Those moments when you think “Wow, my life is busy, So what’s my story?” are real moments in our life to grab hold of, and appreciate for what they are, and for all their worth.

Miss V x